The  "WI^E  BALLAD 
with  Otlier  Limericks 
and  Nonsense  Rhymes 


COLLECTED  AND  EDITED  BY  F.  N.  ROBBINS 
rrlce  Seveaty-Five    Cents 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


/ 


- 1 


({ 


THE 
WILLIE   BALLADS" 


WITH 


OTHER  LIMERICKS 


AND 


NONSENSE  RHYMES 


Collected  and  Edited  by 
F.  N.   ROBBINS 


Columbia,  S.  C. 

The  R.  L.  Bryan  Company 

1904 


PREFACE 

Nonsense  rhymes,  like   umbrellas,   seem  to   be  somewhat  common 
property.     Some   of  the  within  are  original,  one    or  two  were 
written    by    friends,    and    the    rest    were    collected    from 
various  sources.     Of  these  last,  with  the  exception  of 
one  which   is  attributed  to  Kipling,  I   was  una- 
ware of  the  authorship,  and  so  was  unable,  as 
I   otherwise  most  certainly  should  have 
done,  to  ask  permission  for  their  use. 

F.    N.    ROBBINS. 

Neivton,   Mass. 


t  no 


Willie  walking  in  the  woods, 
Met  an  old  black  bear  ; 
Willie'd  never  seen  one, 
And  it  made  the  poor  boy  stare. 
The  bear  said  quite  politely, 
Just  as  bears  do  in  books : 
My  outside  seems  to  please  you, 
Try  how  my  inside  looks. 


Willie  with  his  pocket  knife 
Separated  ma  from  life. 
One  of  Willie's  cunning  tricks  ! 
Wasn't  he  cute — and  only  six? 


Willie  poisoned  his  grandma's  tea, 

Grandma  died  in  agony. 

Willie's  father  was  sorely  vexed, 

And  said  to  Willie,   "My  son,  what  next"? 


Little  Willie  hung  his  sister, 
She  was  dead  before  they  missed  her. 
Another  of  Willie's  cunning  tricks  ; 
He's  so  cute — and  only  six  ! 


Willie  saw  a  buzz  saw  buzz 
Like  a  bike,  and  thought  it  wus. 
Willie's  body  was  full  of  nicks, 
He  was  so  cute — and  only  six  ! 


Willie  walking  on  the  track, 

The  engine  gave  the  worst  of  squeals, 
And  then  they  turned  the  engine  back 

And  scraped  off  Willie  from  the  wheels, 


lO 


Little  Willie,  in  the  best  of  sashes, 
Fell  in  the  grate  and  was  burned  to  ashes, 
Bye  and  bye  the  room  grew  chilly, 
But  no  one  cared  to  stir  up  Willie. 


II 


Willie  found  a  looking  glass 

And  licked  the  mercury  off, 
Thinking  in  his  childish  fancy, 

It  was  good  for  whooping  cough 
On  the  day  of  Willie's  funeral, 

I  remarked  to  Mrs.  Brown, 
It  was  a  cold  day  for  Willie 

When  the  mercury  went  down. 


12 


There  was  a  young  lady  named  Tucker, 

Who  went  up  to  her  mother  and  struck  her; 

Her  mother  said,  "damn, 

Don't  you  know  who  I  am  ? 

You  behave  like  a  regular  mucker"! 


»s 


There  was  a  young  lady  named  Ida, 
Who  couldn't  tell  rhubarb  from  cider; 
She  once  took  a  quart, 
Which  was  more  than  she  ought. 
Which  caused  a  commotion  inside  her. 


»4 


There  was  a  young  lady  named  Maud, 
A  very  deceptive  young  fraud. 
She  never  was  able  to  eat  at  the  table, 
But  out  in  the  pantry,  Oh  Lord  ! 


»5 


There  was  a  young  lady  named  Perkins, 

Excessively  fond  of  fresh  gherkins ; 

She  went  to  a  tea 

And  ate  twenty-three  1 

Which  injured  her  internal  workin's. 


i6 


There  was  a  young  lady  said,  "How 

Shall  I  soften  the  heart  of  that  cow? 

I  will  sit  on  this  stile, 

And  continue  to  smile 

Till  I  soften  the  heart  of  that  cow." 


»7 


There  was  a  young  lady  from  Niger, 

Who  smiled  as  she  rode  on  a  tiger. 

They  returned  from  the  ride 

With  the  lady  inside, 

And  the  smile 

On  the  face  of  the  tiger. 


iS 


There  was  a  young  lady  from  Joppa, 

Whose  friends  all  decided  to  drop  her. 

She  went  to  Ostend 

On  a  trip  with  a  friend — 

And  the  rest  of  the  story's  improper. 


19 


There  was  a  young  man  from  Ostend, 

Who  tried  to  hold  out  to  the  end  ; 

But  when  half  the  way  over 

From  Calais  to  Dover, 

He  did  what  he  didn't  intend — 


ao 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Tarentum, 

Who  chewed  on  his  teeth  till  he  bent  'em, 

When  he  found  they  were  bent, 

He  said,  "I  don't  care  a  cent, 

You  know  I  don't  own  'em — I  rent  'em"! 


21 


There  was  an  old  chief  of  police, 

For  a  joke  once  arrested  his  niece  ; 

For  mending  his  pants 

With  a  dress  of  her  aunt's, 

Thereby  making  them  "breeches  of  piece"! 


22 


There  once  was  a  doughty  young  fly, 

Who  said  "I  will  do  it  or  die"! 

So  she  took  off  her  stocking, 

A  spectacle  shocking. 

And  waded  right  in  to  a  pie  ! 


2S 


There  once  was  a  man  from  Nantucket, 

Who  kept  all  his  cash  in  a  bucket; 

But  his  daughter  named  Nan, 

Ran  away  with  a  man  ; 

And  alas  for  the  bucket, 

Nan-tuck-it ! 

But  he  followed  the  pair  to  Pawtucket, 

The  man  and  the  girl  with  the  bucket, 

And  he  said  to  the  man. 

He  was  welcome  to  Nan  ; 

And  as  for  the  bucket, 

Paw-tuck-it ! 


Said  abad  little  youngster  named  Beauchamp, 

Those  jelly  tarts  how  shall  I  reauchamp  ? 

To  my  parents  I'd  go, 

But  they  always  say  no, 

No  matter  how  much  I  beseauchamp. 


25 


There  was  a  young  man  from  the  city, 

Who  met  what  he  thought  was  a  kitty  ; 

He  gave  it  a  pat, 

And  said,  "Nice  Httle  cat"! 

And  they  buried  his  clothes  out  of  pity. 


z6 


There  was  a  young  man  so  benighted, 

He  never  knew  when  he  was  sHghted  ; 

He  would  go  to  a  party, 

And  eat  just  as  hearty, 

As  if  he'd  been  really  invited. 


27 


There  once  was  a  sculptor  named  Phidias, 
Whose  statues  by  some  were  thought  hid- 
eous ; 
He  made  Aphrodite, 
Without  any  nightie, 
Which  shocked  the  ultra  fastidious. 


28 


There  was  an  old  lady  named  Elwell, 

Who  liked  the  climate  of  Hell  well ; 

She  said  to  the  D — 

I  really  don't  see, 

Why  property  here  should  not  sell  well. 


»9 


There  was  an  old  man  in  a  hearse, 

Who  said,  "This  might  have  been  worse  ; 

Of  course,  the  expense 

Is  simply  immense, 

But  it  doesn't  come  out  of  my  purse." 


30 


There  was  a  young  fellow  named  Hyde, 
In  a  funeral  procession  was  spied. 
When  asked,  "Who  is  dead"? 
I  don't  know,"  he  said, 
I  only  came  out  for  the  ride." 


3» 


To  a  little  darkey  boy  swimming  in  the  Nile, 

Appeared  quite  unexpectedly, 
A  hungry  crocodile  ; 

Which  said  with  that  chilling  manner, 
That  makes  the  warm  blood  freeze, 

"I'll  take  a  little  dark  meat, 
Without  dressing,  if  you  please." 


32 


The  Tabasco  said,  "I'm" little,  but  I'm  hot 
stuff  just  the  same," 
And  the  lemon  gave  him  quite  a  sour  look. 
The    duck    got    his    canvas    back   up  when 
they  said  he  wasn't  game, 
And  the  nervous  jelly  trembled  till  it  shook. 
The  ice  cream  acted  coldly  when  the  pie,  a 
crusty  chap, 
Said    he    thought    the    vinegar's    manner 
rather  tart ; 
But  when  the  radish  horsey  said  the  Wor- 
cestershire was  saucy. 
The  butter's  golden  hair  threw  up  its  part. 


33 


The  apple  sauced  the  coffee  when  the  latter 
whispered  round 
That  he  didn't  think  the  beets  could  beat 
the  band  ; 
The  chocolate  hit  him  on  the  cocoa,  but  the 
coffee  stood  his  ground, 
And  the  sugar  showed  that  he  had  lots  of 
sand. 
The  Italian  macaroni  was  kicked  by  a  cordial 
pony, 
And  the  small  clam  got  it  in  his  little  neck; 
A  waiter  who  was  handy,  hurried  off  to  bring 
some  brandy. 
But  when  it  came  the  dinner  was  a  wreck. 


34 


The  shrimp  said  that  the  crawfish  was  a  lob- 
ster, nothing  else, 
The  crawfish  said,  "You  might  be  if  you'd 
grow." 
The  rich  old  oyster  fritter  wouldn't  recog- 
nize the  smelts. 
That  knew  him  when  he  hadn't  so  much 
dough. 
The  mutton  muttered,    "Gammon,"   when 
the  codfish  told  the  salmon 
He  could  beat  him  playing  fish  ball  any 
day ; 
When  the  steak,  a  tough  old  rounder,  said 
there's  no  sole  to  that  flounder. 
The  oily  salad  murmured,  "Lettuce  pray." 


3S 


The  mince  pie  got  quite  spicy,  and  the  hash 
felt  all  cut  up, 
The  honeycomb  said,  "Put  him  in  a  cell." 
Said  the  apple  to  the  apricot,  "I  bet  you  are 
a  peach," 
And  the  Londonderry  water  said,  "Well, 
well." 
The  watercress  caressed  the  oil,  the  salt  was 
feeling  fine. 
The  claret  blushed  a  deep  and  rosy  red 
When  the  calf's  head,  rather  lippy,  called 
the  reed  bird  little  chippy, 
Then  we  found  that  the  Limburger  cheese 
was  dead. 


3« 


There  was  a  young  lady  of  Milton, 

Who  was  highly  disgusted  with  Stilton — 

When  offered  a  bite, 

She  said,  "Not  a  mitel" 

This  suggestive  young  person  from  Milton, 


37 


There  once  was  a  young  Chimpanzee, 

Whose  cage  was  up  in  a  tree  ; 

He  would  reach  through  the  slats 

And  pinch  people's  hats, 

Which  filled  him  with  Chimpanzee  glee. 


38 


There  was  an  old  monk  of  Siberia, 

Whose  Hfe  grew  drearier  and  drearier; 

He  burst  from  his  cell 

With  a  hell  of  a  yell, 

And  eloped  with  the  lady  superior. 


39 


There  was  an  old  cook  of  Anjou, 

Who  made  a  most  marvellous  stew  ; 

He  made  it  of  mice, 

Richly  flavored  with  spice, 

For  he  said,  ^"chacun  a  son  ragout.^'' 


40 


A  person  who  frequently  chose 
To  sleep  standing  up  on  his  nose  ; 
When  asked  for  a  reason 
Said  he  thus  got  a  season, 
Of  very  delicious  repose. 


4« 


Miss  Pallas  Eudora  Von  Blurkey, 

She  couldn't  tell  chicken  from  turkey; 

High  Spanish  and  Greek 

She  could  fluently  speak, 

But  her  knowledge  of  poultry  was  murky. 


42 


She  knew  the  great  uncle  of  Moses, 
And  the  date  of  the  "War  of  the  Roses," 
And  the  reason  of  things — 
Why  the  Indians  wore  rings 
In  their  blue  aboriginal  noses. 


43 


Why  Shakespeare  was  wrong  in  his  grammar, 
And  the  meaning  of  Emerson's  "Brahmah;" 
And  she  went  about  chipping  rocks, 
With  a  little  black  box 
And  a  small  geological  hammer. 


44 


She  wrote  in  a  handwriting  quirky, 

And  in  speaking  her  accent  was  jerky — 

And  she  painted  on  tiles 

In  the  sweetest  of  styles — 

But  she  couldn't  tell  chicken  from  turkey 


45 


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